BoyinSuit

My Life - Day 46 of 365

This photo represents how I feel about my life right now.  It's a constant conflict and both battle for my time.

Last Semester of Law School

My last semester of law school started today.  Last night, as I looked at my class schedule, I realized how much of the law that I don't know.  I know law school is supposed to prepare me for life as a lawyer, but I don't feel like I could practice law in October.  Yes, October is when I could actually be asked to solve a legal issue for a client.

I'm excited to finally be finished with school, but I'm scared of jumping into the real world.

This photo was taken one evening over the holiday break in the law school's reading room.  Surprisingly, there were actually students studying minutes before this photo was taken.

Ping Pong Tournament & Pizza Aftermath

Our school has an annual ping pong tournament where we bring a ping pong table into the school's foyer.  It's a big event and the Student Bar Association buys enough pizza to feed the school (we bought 50 pizzas).

Since I got my DSLR, I've vacillated between not bringing it out and being that guy who is constantly taking pictures of everything.  (If I had it my way, I'd be the latter).  As is human nature, I doubt myself.  I feel that someone with much greater photography knowledge will look at me with my camera and say, "Amatuer.  Who does he think he is trying to be a photographer?"  Everytime I take my camera out, I have to get over that initial hump.

So before the tournament, I had decided that I wasn't going to take any pictures.  Then my friend Chris said that I had to take pictures to document the event.  I got over my embarrassment and snapped about 450 pictures.  I'm glad I did because (1) I had lots of fun taking them, (2) I had a lot of fun editing them, and (3) now we have pictures of an event that we've not had pictures of before.

The entire set is here, but below are some of my favorites.

A Short Biography

Every two years, I have a spontaneous existential crisis usually brought on by something small and insignificant.  My Hinckley scholarship sparked my latest one because in addition to my photo being featured, I had to write a short biography.  As I was summing up my political and educational experience so far, I realized how lacking it was compared to other people's.  Thus, the existential crisis.  But I digress...

My brother Russell is the best writer and editor I know, so I sent my short biography to him for review.  Here's the original I sent him:

Jesse Michael Nix received a degree in Political Science from the University of Utah and is currently pursuing his law degree at the University of Utah S.J. Quinney College of Law.  He was a Hinckley Intern to former State Senator Ron Allen during the 2004 legislative session, and later successfully managed State Senator Ross Romero's 2004 House and 2006 Senate campaigns.  Jesse currently works as a law clerk for the Salt Lake County District Attorney's office and hopes to be a criminal prosecutor after law school.  He is honored to be the 2008 recipient of the Robert H. Hinckley Graduate Scholarship and plans on a long life in public service.

Russell edited it to this gem:

Jesse Michael Nix. More than a man, less than a God. Born naked and ashamed, he struggled against a society that did not understand him. Though granted a Political Science degree by the University of Utah, his thirst for education has not abated. He now drinks deeply from the font of the S.J Quinney School of Law. A lifetime of service molded the clay of this man, be it as a Hinckley Intern to now-disgraced State Senator Ron Allen, or leading the 2004 campaign that marked Senator Ross Romero's rise to fame. Needless to say, Jesse was the man Ross turned to in 2006 to head his successful reelection. Not content to rest on the laurels of former glory, Jesse now works as a law clerk for the SLC District Attorney's office. Your streets are free of murderers, in part, due to the tireless effort of this man. After law school, he hopes to continue in public service and ensure the safety of the masses by becoming a bulldog of a prosecutor. He plans to live his future as he has his past: deep in the trenches of the public good. While honored to be the 2008 recipient of the Robert H. Hinckley Graduate Scholarship, he wishes to remind all those to whom he is a guiding star, he reached the heights of glory only because he has stood on the shoulders of giants. 

I love my brother because he makes me laugh like no one else can.  I dare say his little joke helped me out of my crisis.

+ Brian

I received a moving announcment in the mail from my old seminary teacher from Texas. 

I live in a state where some government leaders and some citizens say nasty and hateful things about me.  I read and hear about it constantly in the media.  I sometimes feel it from classmates at school.  I've become mostly desensitized to it, but Senator Buttars' latest rant was so powerful that I remembered what it felt like to be hated.

But for every Chris Buttars out there that makes hurtful statements about me, I know there's another person out there who is willing to send me an announcement with "+ Brian."

My Perfect Day

You know the popular saying that says you should live your life as if it were your last day?  Today was one of those days. 

It didn't begin like that.  Brian and I brought Titus to the dog park and met our friend Breanne and her dog.  I brought along my camera and took over 200 shots (mostly because of continuous shooting mode).  It was a bit too bright and animals are hard to photograph, so I only got a few that I actually put up on flickr.  This photo was an accident, and although I wish the ISO was lower, it turned out to be my favorite.

After the dog park, I dropped Brian at school (because he has lots of homework) and I went to see "Hotel for Dogs" with my sister and my nieces.  I think it's so much fun to watch children experience the world and they were fun to watch in the movie theater.  They are such good kids and are a pleasure to be around.

When I left their house, I unexpectedly stopped by my Aunt Wendy's house.  She was glad to see me and said that I could help her in the kitchen.  After I was done helping her, she prepared a piece of her awesome chocolate cake and a glass of milk for me to enjoy.  The situation took me back to my childhood.

By this time, it was 6pm and I had dinner plans at 8pm and I still hadn't gone to the gym (I did eat a piece of cake after all).  I quickly worked out, took a shower, and met Brian and our friend Matt for dinner.

The night could have stopped here and I could have happily croaked, but I ended the night dancing with friends (not Brian--he was at home playing video games).  My energy level seemed limitless, the music was great (techno-Journey is awesome), and I was surrounded by friends. 

I know "how I spent my day" blog posts are quite boring, but today was different.  Spending time with family and friends made me realize how lucky I am to be me.

Proposition 8 Protest: My View

There was a protest last night around Temple Square in Salt Lake City to protest the Mormon Church's involvement in Proposition 8.  When I first heard about it, I was very conflicted and didn't know whether I should go or not.  On one hand, I didn't want to offend my LDS friends, but on the other hand, I wanted to stand in solidarity with the gay community.  I really felt the conflict that many LDS members must have gone through when their church told them to donate money, knock on doors, and make phone calls for Proposition 8.

I'm not really a big fan of protests.  In fact, I believe they accomplish nothing except to appease the feelings of the protesters.  Being very practical, it didn't make sense for me to support something so impractical.

However, Chris W. talked me into going with this one point: the LDS church now wants everyone to calm down and treat everyone with civility and respect.  After the passage of Proposition 8, the LDS church wants everything to go back to the way it was.  After the passage of Proposition 8, the LDS church wants everyone to forget what just happened.

I think this protest signifies that gay people aren't going to be forgotten or let people take away their rights.  The gay community needs to let everyone know that this issue will not easily go away and we will fight for our rights.

Another friend of mine, Josh M., said that I should go to the protest by saying, "Don't sit at the back of the bus just for the sake of being polite."  I really liked that statement and between he and Chris, Brian and I decided to go.

Now that it's over, I'm really glad I went.  I didn't actually take part in "marching in the streets" so to speak.  I spent more time taking pictures and video of the event because it was so exciting.  So I view it as my compromise: I was supporting the gay community by being there but wasn't offending my LDS friends since I wasn't holding up a sign or chanting.

Missing Law School

This is going to sound strange, but I miss law school.

I miss having a set schedule: wake up at 6am, get to school by 8am, go to bed by 10pm.  There was order and a rhythm to my day.  I had a reason to make the day a success.  Now that I'm not in school, I feel that all the structure I built to be a successful law student has vanished.

Now I spend my days waking up late, eating whenever I want, and spending way to much time on the computer doing absolutely nothing.  I don't have focus or a purpose and I feel slightly lost.  It's 12:42am and I should have been in bed two hours ago; instead, I've been wandering from website to website looking at nothing particularly interesting.

Law school helped me to create the man I want to become: the guy who likes waking up early, working hard, and enjoys relaxing only when he deserves it.  Summer has "messed me up" and I think the man I became during the first year of law school is vanishing  I'm reverting to my pre-law school days where I enjoyed playing video games all day or watching TV for hours and hours.

I must change to find myself again.

Goodbye Russell

My brother Russell flew to Philadelphia this afternoon because he's moving there to be with his girlfriend.  He almost missed his flight, but a kind Jewish boy (he made sure to tell us he was Jewish) let Russell cut in front of him (he was in the front of the line and Russell had two minutes until they wouldn't let him on).

Russell's move brings a mix of emotions.

I'm sad that he'll no longer be so close and won't be able to visit Brian and I every weekend.  For the past year, this is what he's done and I've enjoyed it immensely.  We usually play board games, watch a movie, or just spend time together (a.k.a. the three of us sit on our computers on a Friday night).  If we went out to eat or see a movie, we'd usually pay for him.  That's how much we enjoyed his company.  But he won't be coming up every weekend and I won't see him as often anymore. 

On the other hand, I'm happy that he's going to a new place to have new experiences.  He has a lot to learn about life and I hope that this experience will teach him some good life lessons.

(I still secretly wish that he'll hate it out there and move back to Utah.  This is the promised land you know.)

Stressed out about Stress

Today was my first bad day of law school. It started with me not being able to focus in the morning as I read some cases. After I read them, I didn't understand what they were about.

Then I went to class and didn't participate. When we got home, Brian could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong.

I told him that I feel that I'm not trying hard enough. I know other people are working harder than me and I'm slacking. I should be more stressed out than I am. The first semester of law school is the most important semester.

Brian said, "I hate that you are stressed about not being stressed out enough."

I laughed, but realized he was right. It's easy to fix my problem: I have to work harder.

Gratification of Work

In contrast to the last few weekends, I didn't do anything today. I watched "Couching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" with Russell, surfed the internet, and caught up on my blog.

I've discovered that I'd rather work than sit on my butt and do nothing. I feels so great to accomplish something than to do nothing.

I've always thought I'm the relaxation person, the lazy one that would rather watch TV all day. It turns our that I'd rather work.

I'm happy.

Waiting for the Call

Since I've been awake today, the only thing I can think about is law school. Since Brian got his acceptance letter, I feel like it's "upped the ante" on the necessity of me being accepted.

As I showered this morning, I thought of what I might do if I'm not accepted. These are what I came up with:

• Work on Barack Obama's Presidental Campaign
• Travel around the world for six months
• Go to business school

Although those options are there, they all are second to getting into law school.

I'm so afraid of not being accepted. I feel like I'll disappoint my family, Brian's parents, and everyone who I've told I wanted to go to law school. It's not like I can go to another law school since Brian will be starting this fall. I want to go with him and experience this together as a couple.

As I sit here writing this at work, I'm hoping that I'll be interrupted by my "Promiscuous Girl" ringtone and answer to the dean of admissions. (Strangely enough, I hear it ring ever so often without it actually ringing). I've played the conversation I'd have with him over and over again in my head. I want to thank him for accepting me, telling him how much it means to me and my family and how I will not let this oppourtunity go to waste.

It's difficult to wait. I want it to be over so I can call Brian, my family, and friends and tell them the good news. I want it to be over so I can stop driving myself nuts with thoughts of rejection. I tell myself to keep thinking positively.

I don't want to go home tonight and find a rejection envelope. I hope I get that call today so I'll be able to relax and celebrate for the rest of the week.

(An alarm on my phone just went off and it scared me. I thought it was the call. Too bad it's just my reminder to get back to work.)

Another Argument about the Future

Brian was really ornery tonight. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he's scared that I'll leave him if I don't get into law school. We basically continued our discussion/argument from last night.

I fessed up and told him the only reason I said that I'd move away and work on a presidential campaign was because I'm fighting a bout of low self-esteem. Yesterday at work, I read a magazine that the University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics publishes. Inside, there are stories of accomplished interns and political individuals, most of whom are my age.

I told Brian that as I read through this, I felt as though I haven't contributed much or accomplished anything. I also told him of a peer that was recently awarded with a prestigious scholarship and will probably make a name for himself. Although I think that is awesome for this person, I'm a bit envious. Why couldn't that be me? Why am I so mediocre when I could be so capable?

My friend Matt L. wrote something that's stuck with me because of its profoundness: When we're capable of so much, why do we do so little?

Brian reassured me that different people have different paths. I understand that, but I don't want my life to be meaningless. I fear that if I don't do things for myself, things I've always wanted to do, I'll regret it later on.

I don't want Matt's quote to be a reflection on my life.

My LSAT Score

Since taking the LSAT, I haven't been preoccupied with getting my score back--until today. I knew I'd get my score tonight but I didn't know how I'd react.

What if Brian got a higher score? What if I received a disappointing score? What if I got a higher score than Brian?

When I saw the email in my inbox, I walked away from the computer. Looking at the score would confirm all my questions. Anticipation is an emotion that I think too many people take for granted. For me, craving a chocolate cake is more fun than actually eating it. The weeks before a vacation can be more satisfying than the actual trip. Once that cake is eaten or the vacation is taken, all expectations are gone. The cake was dry and bad weather plagued the vacation, but in prior moments, you imagined moist cake and perfect sunsets.

Once I looked at my score, all revealed itself. I didn't get a terrible score, but I didn't get the score I wanted. The feelings of elation just prior to the unveiling dissipated and I was left with feelings of disappointment.

I got home and Brian and I shared our scores. His score was six points higher.

I tried to hide my feelings by going downstairs and seeing what law schools would accept my score. That led to google searches of other careers I'd been thinking about. Disappointment creates lots of unwanted emotions and I was going through them all.

Finally, I got over myself and realized that my score wasn't bad at all. It wasn't as high as I wanted, but it was sufficient for my goal of attending the University of Utah Law School.

(As a side note, an uneaten apple turnover lay on the counter and I announced that no one was to touch it because it was mine. In a sarcastic tone, Brian replied, "Actually, I think I should get it since I'm smarter than you.")

TV is so emotional!

I’ve written here before that I don’t cry often, if at all. Crying is intimate and makes people so vulnerable that I do not like being around people who cry. I don’t cry around people because of that reason. However, that doesn’t mean that tears don’t come easily to me.

In fact, I always thought I was the opposite of a crier. Not so.

Brian and I watched the episode of Grey’s Anatomy where George’s father passes away. Cue “Falling Awake” by Gary Jules and tears started rolling down my cheek. When the episode ended, we couldn’t believe how sad the episode made us.

Then Brian went downstairs and I continued to watch TV, specifically, American Idol. I started bawling during this segment with Sherman Pore. He sings to “his lady” who recently died. The whole story touched me because I hope that my love for Brian only grows with time. I want to love him more when I’m sixty than now.

Sherman gives me hope that love is timeless.

Solitude

When Brian got home tonight, I knew we had to go out and do something. I'd spent the entire day cutting up zombies and needed a break (plus I needed to shower and dress).

I told Brian that I've been in this weird mood lately. It basically comes down to this: it takes more energy to get out and do something so I'd rather stay home and do something that doesn't require energy. I haven't called friends to hang out with them because I'd have to leave the house. I don't call friends and invite them over because calling them on the phone requires energy. Even if I'm just with Brian, we stay home and watch TV because it's easy.

It's not depression because I'm not depressed. I'm happy with my life and look forward to the future. I attribute my recent solitude to the stress and work from the last couple of months (campaign, house, law school). Now that I'm only working (this is the first time I haven't had school during the fall), I just want to relax.

Is it selfish of me to ignore everyone in my life? Yes. Rather than spending Saturday's and Sunday's alone in my house, I should call a friend and get together or do something productive rather than sitting on my butt and watching TV, movies, or reading a book.

I told Brian that even though I'd rather stay at home, we should go out and see a movie. Sure, it's an activity that requires little energy, but at least we got out of the house.